Um, I’m Pretty Sure Superman Already Invented This - Nice Try, Nature.

This is under Mexico. Mexico is so lucky.

I Am a Big Fan of Marzipan

I’m one of the only people I know who really likes marzipan (cause it’s delicious). Your feelings of marzipan aside, you have to like this or your opinion is wrong.

This is EDIBLE ALMOND PASTE!

The Bakers/Geniuses that made this are these people and you can look at more pretty pictures of Marzipan or if you’re feeling a little masochistic, you can look at the pictures of cakes I almost ate my computer screen because of.

Will RuPaul’s Drag Race Be The Best Show Ever?

You guys, I don’t get the LOGO network so I won’t be able to watch this show, but you should watch it for me and and then tell me all about it in gaudy, fabulous detail. It’s called RuPaul’s Drag Race and I should just stop explaining right there because that is all you need to know to love it. From what I can tell it’s a bunch of drag queens competing to be the best at drag queens and RuPaul is like President Drag Queen.

Lucky for me, though, it has a website. I already have a favorite “Dream Queen” and her name is RayaLight.

Game over, guys. We have a winner. Possibly the best thing about RayLight that I just learned now is that if you download this picture (like for use as computer wallpaper or whatever) it saves as “rayaslut_bigger”. Did she choose this name herself or was it the website? I don’t know how internet works. Either way, Rayaslut_bigger for Master Drag Queen, you guys. I’m stamping the campaign buttons as we speak.

Robert Redford: The Retarded Hemingway-Kerouac of Catalog Writing

Did you know that Robert Redford - famous actor, director, and Sundance Film Festival creator - also has a catalog? He does! It’s also named Sundance because that’s his favorite fake word and it’s full of “unique”, “artisian”, “independent style” clothes and furniture and stuff. But the best part of this catalog is the introduction letter on the inside cover of each issue penned by Mr. Robert Redford himself. Did you know he writes, you guys?? He’s a poet.

Bobby Red welcomes you into each catalog with the meandering stream-of-consciousness thought patterns of Kerouac crammed into the stunted sentence structure of Hemingway told through the sepia-toned lens of nostalgic Hollywood. Who’s ready to buy Adirondack Cottage Furniture!

Austin, Texas.

It’s hard to talk about anything else as this is personal for me.

Pioneering family members carving a future for themselves in the early 1800’s.

Mother born there. Me spending summers there learning to fish, hunt, walk barefoot, cozy up to armadillos and rattlers and the sound of june bugs slapping against porch lights at night.

Over the years witnessing growth and sophistication collide around music and art and science. Memories of my first girlfriend swinging on a tire hanging from a long rope tied to a high branch. Later friendships - Willie Nelson, Terrence Malick, Ann Richards.

I love Austin. I love its new, adventurous, homegrown energy.

I’m glad we shot this catalog there. I wish we had shot it at my grandfather’s house on Scenic Drive. It still stands there.

Enjoy.

-Robert Redford

This is his Sundance Catalog “Early Summer 2008″ letter. Looking past the minefield of fragment sentences and grammatical errors, attempting to follow his logic, what I found was an alarming insight into the apparently nightmarish life and mind of Robert Redford.

Expansion after the jump…

People Are Stupid and My Job is an Idiot.

I used to hope that the cliche of American Tourist as Big Fat Obnoxious Inconsiderate Oaf With A Video Camera was not (in general) true. I know that that was a ridiculous, naive thing to hope for because we all know that it IS true, but you know what? It is REALLY REALLY PAINFULLY true. Even when they’re touring their own country.

Things most people know to be true: (1) customer service is THE WORST, (2) New Yorkers are in a bad mood ALL THE TIME.

So, you know what’s funny, Pushy-Overweight-Midwestern-Tourist-With-A-Video-Camera? Not that you asked me a bunch of questions that could be better and more efficiently answered by turning your head slightly and training your eyes on the symbols constructed into words on the sign in front of your face there. No, unfortunately this is a regular occurrence that I have gotten somewhat used to. It’s that after this, you began to adjust your video camera while explaining to me in a booming, Wisconsin-accented voice (nothing against Wisconsin, I hear it’s lovely), that it’s your daughter’s 21st Birthday and, after lifting the camera and pointing it in my face, demanded “Say Happy Birthday”.

Now this is the part where it’s my fault, because I said it. I said it with a big “fuck-you” on my face, but I did say it, and for this I am sorry and a little bit ashamed. I hoped it would get you out of my face quicker, POMTWAVC, but as we learned before, my tourist-related hopes are naive idiots that are incapable of accepting reality.

I guess my “Happy Birthday” was not to your liking, and I guess you thought I was happy to play along (I guess you think pissed looks like content) because why else (WHY ELSE) would you keep the camera on me and bark “Again”!

Is this the Birthday present you want for you 21 year old daughter? The reluctant, surly words of a random struggling artist from behind a pane of bullet-proof glass at a museum of dissected dead people? I don’t think you know your daughter very well.

POMTWAVC, I know you are in New York City and you think that NYC is like Disney Universal Studios at Epcot World, but Ground Zero is not Space Mountain and I am not your Jungle Book Safari Tour Guide. You can’t point your camera at me and expect me to smile my empty Disney smile and recreate 9/11 or whatever. You fail at Birthday presents and you fail at human interaction. Yay!

Melting Your Brain With Youtube Inanity, Old-People Cuteness

Watch it to the end, or be kind of sad you didn’t.

Disgusting Television I Will Condemn, Probably Watch

Hey you guys, TV likes to make spin-offs of popular shows and this is maybe the best (worst) one I’ve ever heard of.

You know that show My Super Sweet Sixteen that I pretend not to have seen any of? (In my defense, I can only watch, like, two or three in a row without feeling physically nauseous.) Well, turns out MTV is a big, giant genius (monster) because the new thing is that they’re gonna send our fave bling-loving, celebrity-worshiping, empathy-not-having teens off to the middle of Africa to, like, survive and stuff with the poor people or whatever and call it Exiled! (exclamation point and all).

Exiled! Episode One

This will not be a whiny, adolescent, exploitative ice pick stabbed in the brains of the viewers! (Prediction: yes it will.)

Wheeee! Television!

Bill O’Reilly Likes to Yell

Please watch this video on gawker of a young Bill O’Reilly getting really angry at the phrase “to play us out”.

Currently Listening To: Sting
Mood: Angry

OMG Kim Kardashian Toats <3’s Burma! Child Soldiers are SO GROSS!! Barf! LOLZ!

You girls realize a free Burma would mean an end to government sponsored rape. Hahahahahaha, I’m wealthy.

(thnx, jsph)

Donnie Darko Fans Miss The Point That Richard Kelly Is Not a Genuis

Apparently there is a sequel to Donnie Darko in the works. This is a terrible idea for obvious reasons. But beyond those obvious reasons there is something else bothering me. There is a petition to stop the movie from being made and it goes like this:

We here highly resolve that once-in-a-lifetime cinematic statements like “Donnie Darko” should be left as is for future generations to discover. The film currently in production called “S. Darko” is a threat to the “Donnie Darko” legacy; as is the fact that the only man who could possibly do such a film justice, the man who conceived the original singular vision: Richard Kelley, has no involvement in the production nor has he endorsed it.

We implore you, please cease production of “S. Darko” to preserve this unique American film.

Um. Guys, I don’t know if you know this but Richard Kelly is really, really, not good at being a director. Now, I enjoyed Donnie Darko, I’m pretty sure I even own it on DVD, so there’s that, but at this point I’m pretty convinced that Donnie Darko coming together and being pretty good and watchable was either a giant accident or the hard work of a lot of people behind the scenes who were not Richard Kelly. Let me explain.

Southland Tales.

Did you see this movie, you guys? It’s so bad! It’s so bad that I almost think you should rent it (except that if you’re going to rent Southland Tales to see a bad movie, you should really just rent The Room instead (AKA the Citizen Kane of bad movies) so that we can talk about it and laugh and laugh).

And not just that it’s bad, I have more to back it up! The extras on the DVD, you guys. Watch them and be horrified. Every actor in the film is interviewed about the script and what the movie is about and NOT ONE OF THEM KNOWS. All of them, with varying degrees of tact, say that they don’t understand a word of the script, how their character fits in, or the direction they are given but they’re “sure it will work out”. No it won’t, actors. No it won’t. I’m sorry you signed a contract, it will be over soon.

Whoops!

Not to mention we get to see Richard Kelly being an idiot (”I used a lot of Robert Frost poetry in the movie!”) and being a bad director (”Yeah that, but like, more angry. Cool”).

Also. It was supposed to be a comedy (it was not a comedy).

My point, Donnie Darko fans, is that your petition is petitioning not necessarily the wrong thing exactly but for the wrong reasons, kind of. And also that Southland Tales, which is a very current movie to be talking about, was really bad.

END POST.