Archive for April, 2008
I’m not sure what I’m looking at, but I’m pretty sure you’re in love with it.
First of all, don’t read this ’cause I’m probably not supposed to be talking about it and it’s none of your business anyway. Second, I don’t go into details about anything, really, so whatever, right?
If you ever find yourself in the unenviable position of having to defend yourself in court, do everything you can (EVERYTHING YOU CAN!) not to have a public defender. Now I don’t want to make a sweeping generalization (which is exactly what I’m doing, but I’m aware of it, yeah?) because of course this is based on the one and only example I’ve every personally witnessed, but they are awful. I mean really bad. Like, bad at their job. I mean, I could be doing (no joke, f’realz you guys) a WAY BETTER JOB than this dude. Also, I just realized that I’m assuming he’s court appointed or whatever, cause if the defendant is paying him, that’s a really stupid thing to be doing.
Things you should not do as a lawyer:
Let’s start with this. Don’t fumble over the name of the guy you’re defending, OK? It makes you look bad.
Also, know that you should stand up to object. Don’t make the judge tell you to. Also, maybe you should have some grounds to object, huh?
Another? OK. How about LISTEN TO THE PROSECUTION WHEN THEY TALK. Don’t go through an entire line of questioning that has ALREADY BEEN COVERED THREE TIMES as if it has not been covered at all. It makes me want to yell out the answers at you.
Talk about the body part you mean. Not the body part adjacent. Just because they are next to each other does not make them the same body part.
Don’t interrupt the witness when they are answering your poorly-worded question.
Know the difference between a DVD, CD, and Mini-DV. Don’t call a CD a “DVD cassette”, especially when it is evidence and the witness has no idea what you’re talking about cause you are WAY STUPID.
Don’t lean on the jury box when you address us. It makes me uncomfortable.
Also, look more like a bumbling drunk, Burst-Capillary McToothless. You’re not helping your case.
Sorry to whoever you are, girl in this picture with Rachel Ray, but it was all posted on the internet and stuff so. Whoops.
EVOO or something.
Have you ever seen Rachel Ray less excited about ANYTHING? Where’s the strained, borderline homicidal enthusiasm America knows and loves (to hate)? That girl is kicking your ass hardcore toothy-smile style. Get it together, Rach’, you almost look like a normal person who experiences, like, emotions and stuff, and that’s something I’m just not comfortable with. NOT YUM-O.
You know what is not a valid excuse to get you out of jury duty? “My work doesn’t pay me for jury duty and I need to work to pay rent and eat and everything”. Apparently New York thinks that 40 government dollars a day is a living wage in New York. New York is an idiot.
Here’s a bunch of things said by me and other jury-duty-goers that also don’t get you out of anything: “I was robbed recently and don’t think I can get past that for this trial” “I’ve had a lot of bad experiences with cops and therefore don’t trust them” “I think the judicial system is incredibly flawed” and “I no speak English too good”. You know what that gets you? That gets you a BIG FAT SEAT ON A MURDER TRIAL. Hurray!
So that was great. But I think the best part of the day was the informational video they screened at the beginning to teach us all what a juror is supposed to do, why we should want to do it, and also that people were way stupid in medieval times and that democracy is great, yay America.
The video started in the unspecified “olden times in Europe” (derogatory emphasis not added by me) which happened to look a lot like a bunch of hippies/cave men in peasant garb congregating in a forest. Apparently in these European “olden times” trials consisted of plunging the accused fists into boiling oil and throwing them into rivers to see if they floated. Now aren’t you glad we don’t do that? Jury Duty!!
This is your Jury In Europe.
Then Ed Bradley of 60 Minutes came on to talk a little about democracy and fair trials which went something like “Greece, Romans, Charlemagne, England, and then America perfected it despite stupid England”. Then Diane Sawyer said some things in front of an American flag and 3 hours later I was assigned to a Murder trial. The end.
This is what you find at the razor-thin edge of the universe.