Robert Redford: The Retarded Hemingway-Kerouac of Catalog Writers: Pt. 2!

Guys. I got a Sundance Catalog in the mail the other day. You know what that means! Here’s Robert Redford’s heartfelt letter to his “Early Summer” issue readers:

This book squares on my favorite area of the country, the southwest. Hot chilies, margaritas, loose clothing, Latin American and raw pioneering energy blending into color and song. I had a Bultaco once. It was hot and quick. So quick I got separated from my seat while trying to forge a stream.

Enjoy the heat.

-Robert Redford

Uhm. What? What’s great about Robert Redford is that Robert Redford is apparently beyond the burden of having to make sense. His letters are the nostalgia-laden, folksy wisdom equivalent of a Ralph Wiggum monologue.

Besides being a TOTAL NON SEQUITUR, I had to look up the word “Bultaco”. I sort of assumed it was a kind of food. Like a taco. Made out of a Bull. (Shut up.) But apparently it’s a motorcycle? Not everyone knows that, Robert Redford. Especially the people buying your Lacy Lotus Earrings. OK. So. Recap. The Southwest: Latin American culture + good old-fashioned, hard-working American spirit = a kick-ass margarita party and also Robert Redford had a motorcycle once.  Let’s all buy Laurel Canyon Skirts!

Rather than trying to explain the inner workings of Robert Redford’s poetic mind (no one could explain such intracacies in a short-post blog format), I have included a translated letter instead (kind of like when you “translate” Shakespeare monologues to better understand them? You know? Shakespeare nerds?). You’re welcome.

This catalog is about the southwest. There are a lot of things I like about the southwest like Latin American food and Latin American culture and also cowboys. This one time I had a motorcycle. Motorcycles are very fast. But for reals you guys, they are super fast, as exampled by the fact that once I was even lifted off of it, but only from the sheer force of heroically forging a stream, just like the pioneers did in the 1800s or whatever. I didn’t fall off it though because I’m tough like a cowboy and good at motorcycles like a man.

Summer is hot.

-Robert Redford

Cereals I Wish Still Existed

I could say the phrase “Tutti Fruiti Flavored Twinkles” all day long and be very happy with this use of time.

 

Who doesn’t want a miniature Royal Racing Coach (these exist in real life) with their bowl of Wild-eyed Old Man King Vitaman ? (Oh man, I JUST realized that they spelled “vitamin” “vitaMAN”! Well punned, Quaker Oats. Perhaps a little sexist, but well punned.

Watch This If You Watched America’s Next Top Model and/or Unicorn Planet and/or If You Didn’t, Also

Cleavland’s Next Top Model

Get the hell out my guest room!

It’s Called Movie Marketing: Pt. 2

If you don’t see Eddie Murphy’s new movie, heads will roll… down the interstate!!! Wakka-wakka! Jokez!

Maybe The Best Picture That There Ever Was

 

What’s Poppin, Weezy Blog??

OMG, you guys Weezy has a vlog and I’m watching it all the time. RSS subscribe click send 4realz (I pretend I know what technology is).

How is it that Lil Wayne is such a lyrical genius when he raps and such an incoherent crazy person when he talks without musical underscoring. Because you were too busy marveling at his crazy and not actually catching it, here is a quick excerpt:

I just wanna thank everybody who really bought it at the book drive stuff like that cause I was a kid of at the book drive and I had I wasn’t a child who had to buy stuff I was the kid who had I was involved in the you know, book… drive. And go THE LIBRARY! BOOK DRIVE BE FUN THAT WEEK! Book drive week!

Weezy says the best thank you.

SHOUT OUT TO THE BOOK DRIVE.

Requiem For A Day Off

It’s Called Movie Marketing

Check it!

Tea Time

David Byrne is the Super Coolest

BPA (AKA Fatboy Slim) featuring David Byrne and Dizzee Rascal